Think Baseball ! … Baseball !! … Baseball !!!

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For Readers 18 years and over only. Denny uses “maritime language” here. No kids allowed, and no Judgmental Ninnies.

Welcome. There’s nothing like having a beer and a dog … and another beer … when you watch the game, right? Tell the bartender to turn up the game, and I’ll get us another round!

Baseball season is upon us once again! Remember last fall during the MLB playoffs and World Series? Remember these ads for “Viagra” featured this sexy lady? I guess it makes sense to have the Viagra ads during televised sports. Many men — and a smaller percentage of women — are watching. If you wanted to get a message out to “the guys”, the playoffs were a good time to sow interest. A lot was said about these ads when they aired during the Division Series last fall, I won’t repeat that now, short to say that many people found the discussion of … ahem … E.D. a little too discomforting during the tension packed playoffs.  More on that later …

I do think that sexuality and baseball are most definitely are causally* linked. Lemmie tell ya a story …

One day when I was in the 6^th grade, the teachers took all the girls to one room, and all the boys were left in another classroom. We were to receive information on sex education you see. We were to be given an open, honest and frank conversation about sex, boys and girls bodies, and the changes some of us were going through.  Ha! Of course they never did that, and they danced around the issues so much that we were all more confused than before they “educated” us.

I can remember that in 6^th grade I finally noticed girls.  In 5^th grade I still thought liked a kid … liked toys … liked MAD magazine … girls were the ENEMY back then. By 6^th grade there were girls that I liked. Oh, man but this was in the stone age with no Internet. I really wanted to see what one looked like. You know … what a girl is like DOWN THERE.  I had not a clue. Some of my friends said that they had seen one. Others said that they were going to bring in a dirty magazine that shows the good stuff. I had my hopes up for a while, but they never brought in the dirty book.  Dammit! I wanted to see one!!! What does a hoo hoo look like?  Was I so wrong for wondering this?

Oh, yeah, the “Sex Ed” class.  I was very disappointed by the filmstrip. In between the slide sequences and the beeps and the bad narration we saw some images of bees, fish, dogs, flowers, etc. Not a girl’s hoo hoo was to be seen however. Everyone knows that the special place is full of mysteries even if you have a map … and there I was with all my unanswered questions. I just had to keep guessing. Some of the 6^th grade girls wore pretty tight blue jeans, and sometimes the morning sun would make an eclipse through a dress. If you have the right angle on a pair of culottes you can get close. I would have done anything to see a real one … oh, and especially … Laura’s … Oh, Laura … um … er … I digress …

At one point. one of the gym teachers drew a chalkboard diagram of a dick and balls, but you would never know if they hadn’t told us. They also told us that we may begin to experience what they called a “wet dream”.  Too late, Mr. Gym teacher, I was already there. I could not stop thinking about Laura … and Linda … and oh yeah, Teri … and Patty, who was already growing big by that time … sorry … um…  Baseball, right?

Anyway, during the filmstrip the narrator said that if we ever were lying in bed at night … and our thoughts turned to girls (Oh, Laura) … we should DISTRACT OURSELVES IN SOME WAY, and think about something else. The narrator said “think about the big baseball game…”.  The narration echoed: “think baseball …baseball …” as if they were trying to hypnotize us into never touching … well … you know.

You see, the geniuses in Sex Ed at that time were afraid that boys going through puberty might try to masturbate, which was to be avoided at all costs, for some reason. Thus, it was drilled into me: “THINK BASEBALL, BASEBALL, BASEBALL!” Getting a boner? … THINK BASEBALL!!!

One time I was watching a stand-up comedy bit by the late Robin Williams. He was doing this manic collage of different characters and free-associating like he often did. At one point he stopped a sexual joke comment and said “Think Baseball … Baseball”.  Mr. Williams MUST have seen the same filmstrip as I did. We were of the same approximate generation and are both from the same region of the country. He HAD to have seen that standard filmstrip, because he voiced it with the same bland inflection the narrator in the Sex Ed film did.

True story:  Eddie Snyder (yes, his real name, but let him sue me) raised his hand and shyly asked the teacher: “How long does a wet dream last?”  He asked the question as if he was afraid. Poor little guy did not want it to happen to him because he thought that it was going to HURT.  Poor kid. I had to laugh to myself though. I knew all about it. In fact, I was an expert already (oh, Laura … Laura).

One time when my team was at a baseball practice, one of the other kids brought a “dirty” paperback book into the dugout. There were no pictures, other than the cover, which was risqué but had no nudity. It was all text, but my buddy had underlined a lot of the swear words and the “good parts” – if you know what I mean. Of course this book was lost on me because I still did not know exactly what the female anatomy looked like.  Passages such as “He shoved his cock into her cunt” had no meaning — as “cunt” was terra incognita to me, and still only a theoretical concept.

I know what you are thinking: “Denny, is this how you became an expert on Baseball?”

Well, I will admit, baseball is a great sport, especially for those of us too small for football. I could play any position. I learned all of the fielding positions. I could even play catcher, which most of my friends could not play. “How can you catch the ball, when someone is swinging the bat in front of you”, they would ask. “Just put your glove where you expect it will go” I replied. I loved playing First Base, even though I did not have the build for it. A Firstbaseman should be a tall, lanky left-hander. I was a short, squat right-hander. First base is great because you are in on so many plays. Especially if Laura is watching …

Off topic: You know, a first basemen’s mitt does look a little bit like a wide-open vagina. I’m just glad I never made the connection back then.

I saw plenty of crusty mitts back in 6th grade.

I also learned to switch hit. I am a natural right-hander. I bat for average, line drives, rocket ground balls, etc when batting right. When I bat left, I have an upper-cut swing, hit more fly balls, hit less for average, but hit better for power.

… Maybe if I was a good baseball player, Laura would be impressed?

Oh, yeah, back to that Viagra ad …

Thing one: It is an embarrassing thing to have on TV, if there are any other humans present.  I know it is an important subject … but don’t they know my wife is in the room?  It was INTIMIDATING!

OK, I am at the age, I know I am the target market for the drug, which is unfortunately not covered by insurance. My body and hormones are on a roller coaster ride however.

I am not like I was when I was 19 years old and thought about pussy 99.9% of the time. At my age now, I have my “Percent-of-the-time-I-think-about-pussy-ratio” WELL UNDER 90% now, thank you. Every once in a while I am even able to think about complicated subjects for a prolonged period of time. Serious topics. 

When I am at the bottom of the roller-coaster, I am in a fragile state.  When I watch that intimidating ad, with the sexy but disappointed lady, I think: “Oh, can’t we just talk … can’t we just cuddle … um … don’t I show you that I care in other ways? … let’s change the subject”.  Dammit, I am like a frightened little turtle.

Me: “This has never happened to be before …”/ Her: “Don’t worry about it. But thanks a lot for the finger-fuck, Superman.”

Other days, my hormones are raging, and I am a one-man diamond cutting machine. When I am at the top of the roller-coaster hill, I look at that Viagra ad, and think: “Oh, you want to see some FUCKING now do ya lady? Oh, I’ll show you some FUCKING …, I’m going to show you some FUCKING that is going to wipe that smirk off your face.” Oh, yeah … I think,  I’m going to explode in her so hard, it would make those blue, wanting eyes bulge out!!! **

… what? … too much swagger?

When I am at my best, you have to visualize these sound effects: 1. The sound of a zipper being unzipped. 2. The sound of kielbasa sausage hitting the floor. That’s ME alright!

I hope all my readers will enjoy this young baseball season.

Starlight: I wonder what ever happened to Laura?***

 

Inter-racial dating: White guys and Asian girls (age 18+ readers only)

Another blogger requested my perspectives on this issue. I am posting it here. Warning: Denny uses “adult language” here. If you are a minor, or otherwise have a big stick up your butt, please do not read this.

I loved her the moment I met her … is that so wrong?

Denny’s Drunken Logic: Part XXVII

Sit down, and join me young man.  I’m glad to have the company.  What are you drinking … let me get the first one. I’m having a (Brand-name) dark beer.  I love dark beer, especially in the winter.  Also, the darker the beer, the deeper the truths.

When you live as long as I have, eventually one begins to accumulate knowledge.  I’M GLAD YOU ASKED  about this touchy subject of interracial dating – specifically about “White guys dating Asian girls”.  Short answer? I’m all for it.  I am Scotch-Irish, and so white, you can still see me when the lights are turned out.

I know that there really is no one “right” or “wrong” perspective on this, and opinions will vary. Also, how you define “Asian” might make a difference.  Is there a difference between an Asian girl who was born in America — and is fully Americanized in language and culture – versus a recent immigrant? Maybe.  I will try to draw these distinctions whenever possible.

Asians were a very small minority in the Midwestern part of the country where I grew up.  My main contact with East Asian immigrants and Asian-hyphen-Americans had been in Chinese restaurants and Tae Kwon Do classes.  I worked for about a year in a Chinese restaurant during high school.  The waitresses looked so cute and leggy in their silk uniforms! I have always been comfortable around Asian crowds, and have always considered Asian ladies uniquely beautiful. (Spoiler: My wife is Asian — also an immigrant– but that is another story.  Actually, if she were here, she would be counting my beers, so let us carry on.)

Beer #1/Lesson #1. When I was in graduate school, many foreign students were part of the department. The faculty wanted an “international” department, so they recruited from East Asia and other counties. This mix included some Asian ladies.  I always enjoyed talking to them.  I think that because their first language was not English, it made me more honest. I had to be more direct, and mean what I say. We all have our everyday defense mechanisms, but I had to let down my personal barriers in order to talk to (the Chinese students).  I could not use too much slang, euphemisms, or my patented sarcastic, and often abrasive – sense of humor. Looking back, this probably made me a nicer person. I had to become a better listener. Perhaps this “required honesty” is one reason why Asian girls and formerly sarcastic Star Trek fans might be a good match…

My graduate school dorm was where I met a lot of foreign students, including many nice, intelligent women from East and Southeast Asia.  Oh, yeah and God, were they sweet and cute. Sweet innocent fish-out-of-water. They came from interesting cultures. Oh, and so easy to be a gentleman to … because they were so polite, it made it easy for me to be a friendlier person. Oddly, many found ME interesting .. imagine that!  The “cool” American chicks never did. I think one of the reasons I got along so well with the foreign grad students was because they did not know that I was a “nerd”.  They gave me a chance and got to know me.

Beer #2/Lesson #2. There may be some white Americans who would frown on interracial dating, but I certainly never had any doubts about it.  Some old ninnies might stare, or give me the stink-eye, but I did not care. I’m out with a beauty.  When I was young and nerdy, I was often super self-conscious about myself, but when I was out dating my Asian lady – I DIDN’T CARE WHAT THEY THOUGHT.

My graduate school years were pretty lonely in comparison to my wild undergrad days. I had to put in some long, lonely hours on grad school projects. I would sometimes feel lonely about girls I liked, but did who not see me as a potential date or boyfriend.  I once felt down because certain girls were not interested. Now everyday I THANK GOD that they rejected me! … I would find ladies much more to my liking.  Everything happens for a reason. Drink up.

Oddly, some White girls who would never date me, STILL did not like me dating Asian girls. Why should they be judgmental? (Anytime I see a WP article on this subject, it is always a negative one toward the guy. The white guy is always the bad guy for liking the lady on these posts. Many white women bloggers are VERY jealous.) They did not like me … so why should I be lonely?

Forget them (… and I did).

Beer #3/Lesson #3. Bloggers on WordPress can be pretty racist … or “reverse racist” … which in other words, is just plain racist. I search the “Asian” tags about once a week.  Most of the articles are about food, I like the travel photos, but some are about Asian social issues – including racism and dating.

Now, I would not intentionally set out to date an Asian girl specifically.  When I was younger I just wanted to date GIRLS — not necessarily a certain TYPE of girl. There was one Asian lady blogger here on WordPress who stated that she hates “white guys who would not think of dating a white girl, but want an Asian chick instead”.  She said that she thought that white guys hitting on Asian girls was “creepy.”  She sounds like a bitter woman. I might actually agree with her, in that a guy should not go out and try to date a “type” or be looking to put another “notch” in their record (Asian girl? Check.)  But I would ask this blogger: What is wrong with a white guy thinking that Asian women are beautiful?  Denny says sarcastically: Sorry .. for liking your culture. I just wanted to be nice to you.  White guy-Asian girl is a fairly common inter-racial combo — considering all the possible inter-racial permutations.

Apparently there are some WP Asian-American girls who just do not want White guys approaching them at school or in bars.  Apparently these guys with “yellow fever” … as they call it, think that the Asian girl will be easy.  I do apologize about these jerk-guys if they are ever rude.  No one wants unwanted attention, no matter what your ethic background.  Look, it is creepy for a guy to hit on any girl who does not want the attention, but it is NOT creepy for a White guy to love an Asian lady!  Ohh … there it is: the three-beer buzz!

Look, I really, truly, deeply, LOVE my wife. It makes me angry when these bloggers say that I have a “fetish” or I have a “patriarchal” or “colonial” view of Asian women.  (Gulps beer in disgust.)

Beer #4/Lesson #4. For most of my dating years, I thought that my “type” was red-haired Scottish lasses. Really, I did not have a type — and now I’m married so what difference does it make?  Hmmm, maybe I do have a preferred type.  Of course I have been out of the dating pool for decades, but I still have my appreciation for beauty. There are certain singers and actresses that I like, and many of them are Asian.

There was this episode of the “Sons of Anarchy” TV show where the biker gang was on the lookout for another biker who had betrayed them.  They were talking about where the renegade member might be. One member asked “which whorehouse does he usually go to?” Bobby-Elvis replied in a gravely voice: “He likes ‘em young and slanted…”. Of course I was appalled at the use of such racist/sexist language in a TV show, but then I thought for a moment: “… likes them young and slanted?  … Oh, that is SO ME.”

Is that so wrong?  It should not be wrong … my feelings arise from love.

Beer #5/Lesson #5. There is this blogger on WP.  He is an Asian dude, and he writes a lot of articles about how “racist” America is.  He is especially critical about the lack of big-name Asian actors in Hollywood movies. Wanka-wanka-wanka (Denny makes jerking motion.) He claims that there is a lot of racism against Asians in America. (I don’t agree, but that is another article.)  He also hates that “nerdy white guys” are too attracted to Asian girls. He is also jealous because he says that so many Asian girls want to date white guys. He does not like “racists” but he does not want White guys dating Asian girls.  What the problem is I don’t know.  What is wrong with two people who find each other and love each other?

Screw him, he’s the bigot.

Beer #6/Lesson #6.  Alright … let us also be honest with each other.  Who am I kidding? I love all the world’s women, but Asian girls are the best.  Each one is unique. Of course there are many body types in a large population.  One thing … Overall, it is probably true that Asian girls do not have such big boobs in comparison to their Anglo-American counterparts.  That is just in general, and I don’t care.

Not a problem, dude. I have never been a “breast man” myself.  Great if the “big ‘uns” are there, but it is not the main way I might judge a figure as interesting.  (Keep in mind, I am out of the pool now, so I can be honest with you young guys.)  So big tits are not a big deal for me.  I like a cute face and nice legs.  These are attributes that Asian girls have in abundance.  They look great in mini-skirts. “Pretty in Punk” I would always say in the 1980s.

Beer #7/Lesson #7. You know what really pisses me off? In Southeast Asia, so many beautiful Asian ladies do not like their dark skin.  They even use these harsh chemical to – get this – whiten it.  That’s bullshit man.  Er, I mean that is tragic.  Their society thinks that dark skin means that they are farm laborers, so it is a class distinction —  bull crap. Dark, Indonesian skin is a wonderful thing, and it breaks my heart to see them think otherwise.

This is as bad as the “foot binding” that Chinese women had to endure for centuries.  You know the story … small feet were desired, so the women would have to mutilate their feet for some social-structure-appeasement-bullshit.  Oh, FUCK me .. do you know what a HORROR this was perpetuated on the world? Jesus, … er .. I mean Buddha … Chinese ladies have fantastic natural feet.  I don’t know what it is, or how they do it. Look up “A man’s candy” in the dictionary there kid, and you will see a photo of an Asian chick’s feet.

Do you want to talk about injustice? Look at China’s “one child policy” … it led to about 70 million female abortions or infanticides, because most couples wanted a male child.  Those stupid Communist pricks! Ah-hemm … let me clarify: Those stupid Communist LITTLE pricks. They destroyed the best phenom that this existence has to offer my species.  Chinese girls! — what a wonder. Those stupid fucks … alright I’ll have a water.

Beer #8/Ice water#2/Lesson #8. You’re a big boy, we can talk about grown-up topics. There is one thing you need to know about Asian girls, and it is a pleasant surprise.

Asian girls have the nicest pussies … far superior to that of white women.  (Note: I have to use this word, the medical terms do not suffice in this context.)

Look, don’t roll your eyes. Stop laughing. It’s true.  Let me give you an analogy. Now I know what they say about black guys.  It is true – on average black guys have bigger dicks than white guys do. Ok, they win that one. That’s not racist, it is just an observation to be either proved or not. If black guys are bigger than white guys, then Asian girls are sweeter “down there” than white girls.

I don’t know if it is culture or chemistry – but Asian girls have the sweetest tasting pussies. You are looking embarrassed dear boy … but you should not be.  Have there been times you had to be heroic in order to do the deed? Uh … huh.  Thought so. Some white girls can take care of themselves down there pretty well, some do not.  Maybe it has something to do with oriental diets, or the way they take care of themselves.  It may be biological in that the way an Asian girl sweats (or lack thereof sweat). Don’t ask why, just enjoy it young man.

Black comedian Martin Lawrence was banned from Saturday Night Live because he told jokes about how nasty some black women can be down there.  This is SCIENCE kid.  Don’t flunk Chemistry 101. The chemistry of a White guy and an Asian girl are perfect heaven-made bio-chemical matches for each other.

All girls are different … there are some exceptions …  and I’m basing this observation on a pitifully small sample size, but I have discussed this with my colleagues.  Wendy’s hamburgers taste better than McDonald’s hamburgers. Well … Asian pussy just tastes better. You are in for a real treat my friend when you find this out for yourself.  No more “doing your duty” – you will be a volunteer.

If you are lucky, and the roll of the romantic dice leads you to an Asian lady, you will experience the sweet clouds of heaven. What memories. Who knew? This is quite unexpected. Where has this been all my life? You will lose track of time. Space and Time will have no meaning.  I suggest LEARNING TO WRITE THE ALPHABET!  You will simply exist in a world of exquisite textures and flavors.  Talk about finding a new purpose in life. Words can’t describe it … Asian girls don’t stink.  They are made of pure candy.

—- … probably was the last thing Denny remembers he said.  Rest assured however, that at this point, Denny and his young protégé politely paid their bar tab, called cabs and went their separate ways for the evening.  Denny went home, read the Bible, and got a good night’s sleep.  He awoke early the next day, refreshed, then  cheerfully went to his job of processing agricultural chemical purchase orders.  Really, all went well. —