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Think Baseball ! … Baseball !! … Baseball !!!

For Readers 18 years and over only. Denny uses “maritime language” here. No kids allowed, and no Judgmental Ninnies.

Welcome. There’s nothing like having a beer and a dog … and another beer … when you watch the game, right? Tell the bartender to turn up the game, and I’ll get us another round!

viagraadlady

Baseball season is upon us once again! Remember last fall during the MLB playoffs and World Series? Remember these ads for “Viagra” featured this sexy lady? I guess it makes sense to have the Viagra ads during televised sports. Many men — and a smaller percentage of women — are watching. If you wanted to get a message out to “the guys”, the playoffs were a good time to sow interest. A lot was said about these ads when they aired during the Division Series last fall, I won’t repeat that now, short to say that many people found the discussion of … ahem … E.D. a little too discomforting during the tension packed playoffs.  More on that later …

I do think that sexuality and baseball are most definitely are causally* linked. Lemmie tell ya a story …

One day when I was in the 6th grade, the teachers took all the girls to one room, and all the boys were left in another classroom. We were to receive information on sex education you see. We were to be given an open, honest and frank conversation about sex, boys and girls bodies, and the changes some of us were going through.  Ha! Of course they never did that, and they danced around the issues so much that we were all more confused than before they “educated” us.

I can remember that in 6th grade I finally noticed girls.  In 5th grade I still thought liked a kid … liked toys … liked MAD magazine … girls were the ENEMY back then. By 6th grade there were girls that I liked. Oh, man but this was in the stone age with no Internet. I really wanted to see what one looked like. You know … what a girl is like DOWN THERE.  I had not a clue. Some of my friends said that they had seen one. Others said that they were going to bring in a dirty magazine that shows the good stuff. I had my hopes up for a while, but they never brought in the dirty book.  Dammit! I wanted to see one!!! What does a hoo hoo look like?  Was I so wrong for wondering this?

Oh, yeah, the “Sex Ed” class.  I was very disappointed by the filmstrip. In between the slide sequences and the beeps and the bad narration we saw some images of bees, fish, dogs, flowers, etc. Not a girl’s hoo hoo was to be seen however. Everyone knows that the special place is full of mysteries even if you have a map … and there I was with all my unanswered questions. I just had to keep guessing. Some of the 6th grade girls wore pretty tight blue jeans, and sometimes the morning sun would make an eclipse through a dress. If you have the right angle on a pair of culottes you can get close. I would have done anything to see a real one … oh, and especially … Laura’s … Oh, Laura … um … er … I digress …

At one point. one of the gym teachers drew a chalkboard diagram of a dick and balls, but you would never know if they hadn’t told us. They also told us that we may begin to experience what they called a “wet dream”.  Too late, Mr. Gym teacher, I was already there. I could not stop thinking about Laura … and Linda … and oh yeah, Teri … and Patty, who was already growing big by that time … sorry … um…  Baseball, right?

Anyway, during the filmstrip the narrator said that if we ever were lying in bed at night … and our thoughts turned to girls (Oh, Laura) … we should DISTRACT OURSELVES IN SOME WAY, and think about something else. The narrator said “think about the big baseball game…”.  The narration echoed: “think baseball …baseball …” as if they were trying to hypnotize us into never touching … well … you know.

You see, the geniuses in Sex Ed at that time were afraid that boys going through puberty might try to masturbate, which was to be avoided at all costs, for some reason. Thus, it was drilled into me: “THINK BASEBALL, BASEBALL, BASEBALL!” Getting a boner? … THINK BASEBALL!!!

One time I was watching a stand-up comedy bit by the late Robin Williams. He was doing this manic collage of different characters and free-associating like he often did. At one point he stopped a sexual joke comment and said “Think Baseball … Baseball”.  Mr. Williams MUST have seen the same filmstrip as I did. We were of the same approximate generation and are both from the same region of the country. He HAD to have seen that standard filmstrip, because he voiced it with the same bland inflection the narrator in the Sex Ed film did.

True story:  Eddie Snyder (yes, his real name, but let him sue me) raised his hand and shyly asked the teacher: “How long does a wet dream last?”  He asked the question as if he was afraid. Poor little guy did not want it to happen to him because he thought that it was going to HURT.  Poor kid. I had to laugh to myself though. I knew all about it. In fact, I was an expert already (oh, Laura … Laura).

One time when my team was at a baseball practice, one of the other kids brought a “dirty” paperback book into the dugout. There were no pictures, other than the cover, which was risqué but had no nudity. It was all text, but my buddy had underlined a lot of the swear words and the “good parts” – if you know what I mean. Of course this book was lost on me because I still did not know exactly what the female anatomy looked like.  Passages such as “He shoved his cock into her cunt” had no meaning — as “cunt” was terra incognita to me, and still only a theoretical concept.

I know what you are thinking: “Denny, is this how you became an expert on Baseball?”

Well, I will admit, baseball is a great sport, especially for those of us too small for football. I could play any position. I learned all of the fielding positions. I could even play catcher, which most of my friends could not play. “How can you catch the ball, when someone is swinging the bat in front of you”, they would ask. “Just put your glove where you expect it will go” I replied. I loved playing First Base, even though I did not have the build for it. A Firstbaseman should be a tall, lanky left-hander. I was a short, squat right-hander. First base is great because you are in on so many plays. Especially if Laura is watching …

ball hit to right field who covers

Off topic: You know, a first basemen’s mitt does look a little bit like a wide-open vagina. I’m just glad I never made the connection back then.

I saw plenty of crusty mitts back in 6th grade.

I saw plenty of crusty mitts back in 6th grade.

I also learned to switch hit. I am a natural right-hander. I bat for average, line drives, rocket ground balls, etc when batting right. When I bat left, I have an upper-cut swing, hit more fly balls, hit less for average, but hit better for power.

pinup beauties baseball

… Maybe if I was a good baseball player, Laura would be impressed?

Oh, yeah, back to that Viagra ad …

Thing one: It is an embarrassing thing to have on TV, if there are any other humans present.  I know it is an important subject … but don’t they know my wife is in the room?  It was INTIMIDATING!

OK, I am at the age, I know I am the target market for the drug, which is unfortunately not covered by insurance. My body and hormones are on a roller coaster ride however.

I am not like I was when I was 19 years old and thought about pussy 99.9% of the time. At my age now, I have my “Percent-of-the-time-I-think-about-pussy-ratio” WELL UNDER 90% now, thank you. Every once in a while I am even able to think about complicated subjects for a prolonged period of time. Serious topics. 

When I am at the bottom of the roller-coaster, I am in a fragile state.  When I watch that intimidating ad, with the sexy but disappointed lady, I think: “Oh, can’t we just talk … can’t we just cuddle … um … don’t I show you that I care in other ways? … let’s change the subject”.  Dammit, I am like a frightened little turtle.

viagra lady closeup gulp

Me: “This has never happened to be before …”/ Her: “Don’t worry about it. But thanks a lot for the finger-fuck, Superman.”

Other days, my hormones are raging, and I am a one-man diamond cutting machine. When I am at the top of the roller-coaster hill, I look at that Viagra ad, and think: “Oh, you want to see some FUCKING now do ya lady? Oh, I’ll show you some FUCKING …, I’m going to show you some FUCKING that is going to wipe that smirk off your face.” Oh, yeah … I think,  I’m going to explode in her so hard, it would make those blue, wanting eyes bulge out!!! **

… what? … too much swagger?

viagra lady closeup gulp

When I am at my best, you have to visualize these sound effects: 1. The sound of a zipper being unzipped. 2. The sound of kielbasa sausage hitting the floor. That’s ME alright!

I hope all my readers will enjoy this young baseball season.

Starlight: I wonder what ever happened to Laura?***

Laura looked like Susan Dey

 

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Um, Tomochin, could you have thought of another name for your new single?

Yes, Tomochin, they sometimes use a cup at an American "Come Party"!

Yes, Tomochin, they sometimes use a cup at an American “Come Party”!

“Come Party” with Tomomi Itano!

I love the dear girl. She is really “not my type” however, as I have blogged previously (linked here).  Tomon-chin  was always one of my favorite AKB48 members, and I am happy to see her have a successful solo career in music, commercials, modeling, TV and movies.  Tomochin is a lot of fun, and she is a sweet young lady.

Itano-san has also been writing some of her own songs for her new records! Her solo music is really not my thing however. I do not really care for that funky, hip-hoppy dance music. Tomochin’s music is probably more in line with what you younger readers and bloggers like. Me? I’m from a different generation. You darn kids!!! Here, this is REAL MUSIC (link) … but I digress.

If I would have had the chance, I would have told Ms. Itano  not  to title her new music video  “Come Party”.

I know, she thinks that “Come Party” means get up and dance and have a great time! OK … but here in the USA, a “Come Party” might mean something else entirely, and it is NOT udon noodles, unfortunately.   This dear young lady is too classy to be involved in anything like that.

So … my young readers, enjoy some funky dance music with Tomochin and COME PARTY!!!

Also, please enjoy these photos of Tomochin at her LIVE in LAZONA Kawasaki Plaza (ラゾーナ川崎プラザ) show!  She looks great – in fact she is a grand old flag … or maybe young flag.

Tomochin — let your “Free Flag” fly!

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

“This is the first time I’ve ever been proud of my country!”

Shut up Michelle.  Everyone else, please enjoy this Tomo Itano playlist.

Starlight: The light from Tomochin’s “Come Party” began  the journey to my world on December 9, 2014.

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KIMONOS ON MONDAY (Week #39): What would it be like to go on a date with Mariko Shinoda?

Imagine being on a date with the glamorous Mariko Shinoda!

What would it be like to be on a date with the lovely Mariko Shinoda, or any of the ladies of AKB48? You may want to try the Playstation 3 or Vita game AKB 1/149 dating simulation game. This RPG game gives fans a chance to go on “virtual dates” with their favorite idols – or any of them in AKB SKE or NMB  groups. I have never played one of these dating games, and I do not have a Japanese Playstation, so I guess I never will. However, I am very glad that I found this video which features the lovely Mariko Shinoda in a lovely kimono! She is so elegant, so polite, and so ravishingly beautiful in these gameplay moments!

mariko pours sake 0300-480x320

Yes, I would LOVE some more sake, Mariko!

I always loved Mariko Shinoda when she was with AKB48. She was so stylish, and so graceful. Her dancing was great, and she always made it look so effortless.  (She was notable for being able to learn the dance moves faster than the other members.) I do think it unfortunate that she has decided to forgo a singing career however. She was a good comedian too.

I love this clip. It really captures what a wonderful person she must really be. She is beautiful, but she is also a woman of very strong character.  She is so well spoken and  so well mannered.  (Mariko graduated. That means some lucky bastard guy out there gets to see this for real right now.)

You will need a Japanese Playstation Network account to play the game. So that lets me out, darn it … I have however seen the gameplay for these dating simulation games on YouTube. Your RPG character has options to take on particular interactions. You need to make the proper selection, and choose the right thing to say and do at selected points. You either win the Idol over or you don’t.

If you come on too strong, she will think you are a pervert and reject you … if you are not aggressive enough she will think you are a spineless wimp and reject you. Sound familiar, gentlemen?

akb149datinggameps3

The AKB48 dating games on the PS3 have video in them.  I think I might actually prefer the older PSP handheld games, which did not have video, but which used still photos instead.  The stills — I think were cuter … and probably safer … especially for an old man.  The PS3 videos look so realistic that it would be easy for one to become delusional, and think that the ladies are really there. (I mean even more delusional, than I already am.) With the stills, you remember you are playing a game. I’m also thinking with all the text, it would be a great way to learn the Japanese language.

Here is some “the making of” the video game which shows the outfits that Shinoda-san wears in the game.

What light through yonder breaks?

What light through yonder window breaks?

She is stunning even in the deleted scenes!!!

Unfortunately, the gameplay does not show Mariko’s full kimono, although there is a brief, full view in the “making of” video above.  I Googled these photos for a better look. Enjoy.

Starlight: Mariko graduated the year that this game came out (2013). 

Gallery

KIMONOS ON MONDAY (Week #30): Kimono Street Fashions in KERA Magazine.

KERA is a Japanese fashion magazine.  The publication specializes in Japanese Punk, Lotita, Gothic,  Punk-Lolita, Gothic Lolita, etc.

The magazine is popular in the Japanese and international fashion communities.  Today I will share a retrospective of  these “Tokyo Street Fashions” combined with traditional kimono/yukata. Enjoy the slideshow of this smart, sophisticated style.

KIMONOS ON MONDAY: Kimono Street Fashions in KERA Magazine.

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Happy Birthday MIICHAN !!!

miichan in kimono c o a

Birthday wishes to Minami Minegishi  峯岸 みなみ, a.k.a. “Miichan” born November 15, 1992 in Tokyo. Japan is half a day ahead of me, so I want to be the first in my time zone to wish that little rascal a Happy Birthday. She has always been one of my favorites! She might not have her Uncle Denny’s eyes, but she has inherited my sharp, sarcastic sense of humor.  I could not be more proud of this effervescent young lady.

Remember her beautiful ballad from 2011? Please view “Watashi wa Watashi” in the optional HD.  It has an English translation.  It is very tender, and her gams are amazing. Miichan, don’t start crying, because then you will make me cry!

I know what y’all are thinking.  I never commented on that time that Miichan got in trouble in 2013.

MM broke the rules and spent the night with that dude that time.  Her mistake.  Her apology on the AKB Official Channel was worse than it needed to be.  She only had to say she was sorry for breaking the rules … shaving her head was her own idea. Look … I love Miichan. I will never post a photo of Miichan in that moment.  Instead please enjoy this slide show retrospective from better times.

The studio version of the song, with a montage of my young niece is linked here.

I think one of the reasons why she did it was because she has that acerbic – but funny – attitude of hers.  She has always been a “smarty pants” (American term), and sharply sarcastic wit. That she might “bite the hand that feeds her” (another American expression) would not be unexpected from Miichan. I think that is why she thought she could get away with it.

She was one of the founding members of AKB48, and I know that she is due to graduate soon.  She has the same sweet “baby face” today as she did in 2005.  Dynamite legs to boot.

Best Wishes Minegishi-san!  … because you can take it, I dedicate these sarcastic comments to you!

“Just because she spent the night at that guy’s apartment, does not mean that she had SEX with him… “

1.  “Maybe they just took turns taking tumble rides in the dryer.”

2.  “She’s a GIRL isn’t she? Maybe the man made her do a lot of ironing and it took longer than she thought.” 

3. “Two words:  Yahtzee Tournament!”

4.  “Maybe they spent the night going through catalogs looking for a birthday present for Mr. Akimoto!”

She was demoted, but why Miichan was not kicked out of the group, I do not know.  Maybe it is time to move on in her career. I would follow her solo career.

I always thought that she would be a good sitcom actor — maybe in America.  I would love to write a pilot for Miichan to star in an American sitcom.  I have this idea about a Japanese English-major exchange student who gets in all kinds of trouble due to hilarious cultural misunderstandings.  She would basically just play herself — sweet, funny and sarcastic. The audience would also be able to learn about many the fun and strange (to Americans) aspects of Japanese culture.  I will title it “Learning Engrish”.  Who should the American actors be?

Happy Birthday.  I bow respectfully to you, dear young lady.

Gallery

KIMONOS ON MONDAY (Week #6)

AKB48 graduate Atsuko Maeda dazzles in kimonos!

Click for wallpaper size!

Click for wallpaper size!

Click a photo to view the slideshow, then view at full size! 

 

Gallery

KIMONOS ON MONDAY (Week #5) Watanabe Edition

Mayu Watanabe was selected the most popular member of AKB48 at the annual AKB48 Senbatsu election held at Ajinomoto Stadium in Tokyo on June 7th, 2014.  Congratulations Mayuyu!  You are very deserving of being the #1!  

Please enjoy some Watanabe history in my special gallery of Mayu and friends in kimono, furisode and yukata!  Click image and view larger size!

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