Readers: Once again my thoughts are turning to baseball … baseball.
I am re-blogging this post from the FUJINSEI blog, written by the always delightful Arria Cross (Denny bows respectfully). Please enjoy her post.
I know that they are just throwing out the first pitch here … but theoretically a team could try this in a real game, similar to how some teams may implement a “shift” against particular batters who tend to hit the ball to the same place.
A defense could line up six fielders behind the pitcher to create a distracting multi-armed deity (think Buddhist or Hindu statues). Then put two more fielders in very shallow left and right center.
The strategy is that the batter would be confused by the multiple arm movements … perhaps even more so if it were unknown which player had the ball.
If you see this defense at the 2016 World Baseball Classic, remember that you saw it here first
For Readers 18 years and over only. Denny uses “maritime language” here. No kids allowed, and no Judgmental Ninnies.
Welcome. There’s nothing like having a beer and a dog … and another beer … when you watch the game, right? Tell the bartender to turn up the game, and I’ll get us another round!
Baseball season is upon us once again! Remember last fall during the MLB playoffs and World Series? Remember these ads for “Viagra” featured this sexy lady? I guess it makes sense to have the Viagra ads during televised sports. Many men — and a smaller percentage of women — are watching. If you wanted to get a message out to “the guys”, the playoffs were a good time to sow interest. A lot was said about these ads when they aired during the Division Series last fall, I won’t repeat that now, short to say that many people found the discussion of … ahem … E.D. a little too discomforting during the tension packed playoffs. More on that later …
I do think that sexuality and baseball are most definitely are causally* linked. Lemmie tell ya a story …
One day when I was in the 6th grade, the teachers took all the girls to one room, and all the boys were left in another classroom. We were to receive information on sex education you see. We were to be given an open, honest and frank conversation about sex, boys and girls bodies, and the changes some of us were going through. Ha! Of course they never did that, and they danced around the issues so much that we were all more confused than before they “educated” us.
I can remember that in 6th grade I finally noticed girls. In 5th grade I still thought liked a kid … liked toys … liked MAD magazine … girls were the ENEMY back then. By 6th grade there were girls that I liked. Oh, man but this was in the stone age with no Internet. I really wanted to see what one looked like. You know … what a girl is like DOWN THERE. I had not a clue. Some of my friends said that they had seen one. Others said that they were going to bring in a dirty magazine that shows the good stuff. I had my hopes up for a while, but they never brought in the dirty book. Dammit! I wanted to see one!!! What does a hoo hoo look like? Was I so wrong for wondering this?
Oh, yeah, the “Sex Ed” class. I was very disappointed by the filmstrip. In between the slide sequences and the beeps and the bad narration we saw some images of bees, fish, dogs, flowers, etc. Not a girl’s hoo hoo was to be seen however. Everyone knows that the special place is full of mysteries even if you have a map … and there I was with all my unanswered questions. I just had to keep guessing. Some of the 6th grade girls wore pretty tight blue jeans, and sometimes the morning sun would make an eclipse through a dress. If you have the right angle on a pair of culottes you can get close. I would have done anything to see a real one … oh, and especially … Laura’s … Oh, Laura … um … er … I digress …
At one point. one of the gym teachers drew a chalkboard diagram of a dick and balls, but you would never know if they hadn’t told us. They also told us that we may begin to experience what they called a “wet dream”. Too late, Mr. Gym teacher, I was already there. I could not stop thinking about Laura … and Linda … and oh yeah, Teri … and Patty, who was already growing big by that time … sorry … um… Baseball, right?
Anyway, during the filmstrip the narrator said that if we ever were lying in bed at night … and our thoughts turned to girls (Oh, Laura) … we should DISTRACT OURSELVES IN SOME WAY, and think about something else. The narrator said “think about the big baseball game…”. The narration echoed: “think baseball …baseball …” as if they were trying to hypnotize us into never touching … well … you know.
You see, the geniuses in Sex Ed at that time were afraid that boys going through puberty might try to masturbate, which was to be avoided at all costs, for some reason. Thus, it was drilled into me: “THINK BASEBALL, BASEBALL, BASEBALL!” Getting a boner? … THINK BASEBALL!!!
One time I was watching a stand-up comedy bit by the late Robin Williams. He was doing this manic collage of different characters and free-associating like he often did. At one point he stopped a sexual joke comment and said “Think Baseball … Baseball”. Mr. Williams MUST have seen the same filmstrip as I did. We were of the same approximate generation and are both from the same region of the country. He HAD to have seen that standard filmstrip, because he voiced it with the same bland inflection the narrator in the Sex Ed film did.
True story: Eddie Snyder (yes, his real name, but let him sue me) raised his hand and shyly asked the teacher: “How long does a wet dream last?” He asked the question as if he was afraid. Poor little guy did not want it to happen to him because he thought that it was going to HURT. Poor kid. I had to laugh to myself though. I knew all about it. In fact, I was an expert already (oh, Laura … Laura).
One time when my team was at a baseball practice, one of the other kids brought a “dirty” paperback book into the dugout. There were no pictures, other than the cover, which was risqué but had no nudity. It was all text, but my buddy had underlined a lot of the swear words and the “good parts” – if you know what I mean. Of course this book was lost on me because I still did not know exactly what the female anatomy looked like. Passages such as “He shoved his cock into her cunt” had no meaning — as “cunt” was terra incognita to me, and still only a theoretical concept.
I know what you are thinking: “Denny, is this how you became an expert on Baseball?”
Well, I will admit, baseball is a great sport, especially for those of us too small for football. I could play any position. I learned all of the fielding positions. I could even play catcher, which most of my friends could not play. “How can you catch the ball, when someone is swinging the bat in front of you”, they would ask. “Just put your glove where you expect it will go” I replied. I loved playing First Base, even though I did not have the build for it. A Firstbaseman should be a tall, lanky left-hander. I was a short, squat right-hander. First base is great because you are in on so many plays. Especially if Laura is watching …
Off topic: You know, a first basemen’s mitt does look a little bit like a wide-open vagina. I’m just glad I never made the connection back then.
I saw plenty of crusty mitts back in 6th grade.
I also learned to switch hit. I am a natural right-hander. I bat for average, line drives, rocket ground balls, etc when batting right. When I bat left, I have an upper-cut swing, hit more fly balls, hit less for average, but hit better for power.
… Maybe if I was a good baseball player, Laura would be impressed?
Oh, yeah, back to that Viagra ad …
Thing one: It is an embarrassing thing to have on TV, if there are any other humans present. I know it is an important subject … but don’t they know my wife is in the room? It was INTIMIDATING!
OK, I am at the age, I know I am the target market for the drug, which is unfortunately not covered by insurance. My body and hormones are on a roller coaster ride however.
I am not like I was when I was 19 years old and thought about pussy 99.9% of the time. At my age now, I have my “Percent-of-the-time-I-think-about-pussy-ratio”WELL UNDER 90% now, thank you. Every once in a while I am even able to think about complicated subjects for a prolonged period of time. Serious topics.
When I am at the bottom of the roller-coaster, I am in a fragile state. When I watch that intimidating ad, with the sexy but disappointed lady, I think: “Oh, can’t we just talk … can’t we just cuddle … um … don’t I show you that I care in other ways? … let’s change the subject”. Dammit, I am like a frightened little turtle.
Me: “This has never happened to be before …”/ Her: “Don’t worry about it. But thanks a lot for the finger-fuck, Superman.”
Other days, my hormones are raging, and I am a one-man diamond cutting machine. When I am at the top of the roller-coaster hill, I look at that Viagra ad, and think: “Oh, you want to see some FUCKING now do ya lady? Oh, I’ll show you some FUCKING …, I’m going to show you some FUCKING that is going to wipe that smirk off your face.” Oh, yeah … I think, I’m going to explode in her so hard, it would make those blue, wanting eyes bulge out!!! **
… what? … too much swagger?
When I am at my best, you have to visualize these sound effects: 1. The sound of a zipper being unzipped. 2. The sound of kielbasa sausage hitting the floor. That’s ME alright!
I hope all my readers will enjoy this young baseball season.
Starlight: I wonder what ever happened to Laura?***
Major League Baseball is considering several new rule changes in order to “speed up the game”. These are currently being experimented with during Spring Training this year.
These are the proposed new rules … and some varying fan perspectives on them:
1. Hitters must keep at least one foot inside the batter’s box at all times, barring exceptions like foul balls, wild pitches, or if the umpire grants him time out.
“This one is actually funny. Have you seen these guys forget — then try to stretch one foot to the box? Does MLB have any idea how gay this looks? Don’t turn ballplayers into a moonwalking Michael Jacksons. Also, how about when a player really needs to make those deep, deep scratches down in the groin area — including inside the cup? I say let him walk another three feet away from the plate for a little privacy.”
2. Pitchers must throw a pitch within 20 seconds of receiving the ball. Clocks posted in each dugout will count down the 20 seconds.
“This is not much time at all to visualize the next pitch. Furthermore, pitchers will scarcely be able to question their own existential meaningless. The notion of the futility of our existence in a god-less university can hardly be grappled with in a twenty second time period. “Am I throwing the ball, or is the ball throwing me?” Philosophical musings on the mound will be severely curtailed under this new rule!”
3. There will be a maximum break between innings of 2:05, with a clock keeping track. Hitters must be in the batter’s box by 1:45. If the hitter’s not ready, the umpire can call a strike. If the pitcher doesn’t throw a pitch by 2:05, the umpire can call a ball.
“Does not allow enough time for players like CC Sabathia, Prince Fielder, etc. to attend — let alone load up — at the inter-inning buffet.”
4. Teams will have a maximum of 2:30 to change pitchers, with the clock starting as soon as the reliever enters the playing field.
“What if the visiting bullpen is in the middle of verbal and physical confrontation with the home fans? Not enough time to be properly heckled. This is not nearly enough time for fans to accumulate enough stadium debris to pummel upon the incoming reliever!”
5.Teams are limited to a maximum of three mound visits per game, not including pitching changes. This applies to trips to the mound by managers, coaches, and catchers.
“I think that this rule will deeply undermine the sanctity of Pitcher-Catcher relationships. Sure, they may still maintain the physicality of their relationship – but what about the deep emotional bonding? Can the tender feelings between pitcher and catcher be fully explored in this amount of time? These intimate relationships need time to develop, otherwise Pitcher and Catcher will begin to feel that they are only “going through the motions”. Yes, physically they may be good together – but are they really, truly communicating on a deep emotional level?”
6. Pitchers no longer have to deliver four balls for an intentional walk. The manager can simply signal to the umpire.
“This will anger the Baseball Gods! How many times has a wild pitch occurred in this situation which advanced the runners! Then there was the famous episode where a team pretended to intentionally walk a batter when the ball count to become 3-1, then proceeded to throw two strikes for the out. Really, this rule may also lead to too much “micro-managing” from the dugout.”
… I can think of some other changes I would want to make.
My advice: MLB, please do not approve these travesties of the game.
I say, bring back something like the old “Nickel Beer Night” they used to have at Cleveland Stadium if fans want to experience a shorter, but more exciting evening.
Likes: Pop Culture, Humor, Japanese Culture, Iwasa Misaki, Hanako Oku, AKB48 History, Kurosawa films, Kimonos, Anime, Lolita fashion, Buddhist philosophy, and finding the perfect nicknames for my Pokemon.
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on April 10, 2015