It is with great sadness that I need to report about the passing this week of American actress Dawn Wells. Ms. Wells is most famous for playing “Mary Ann Summers” on the legendary 1960s TV comedy program Gilligan’s Island.
Boxers or Briefs? Football or Baseball? Mary Ann or Ginger? These were questions posed to men in my generation used to gage what kind of a guy you are. I am definitely in the “Mary Ann” choice (that is, if I can’t have both). The late Ms. Wells played the pretty “girl-next-door” persona perfectly. A generation of adolescent boys grew up in love with the Mary Ann from Kansas. Millions of us were in love with her. Her “short shorts” were a good point of discussion for teenage boys. Sure, we teenage wannabes wanted to have our fun with the Gingers, but we wanted to marry a Mary Ann.
Years later, while listening to Marshall Crenshaw’s Mary Ann song, I was reminded of the youthful beauty of Ms. Wells, and I would always slip into a reverie …
I know the song lyrics do not describe the Gilligan’s situation, but I could stretch my fantasy a little. What if Mary Ann(e) was my girlfriend? I know that there is the extra “e”, in Crenshaw’s fantasy-girl, but I think what the song captures the impossible, unrequited longing of a young boy in love with this everyday-encountered-but-impossible-to-reach girl next door. Also, thinkin’ about those “short shorts” is part of the nostalgic mood of the song.
Here are the guitar chords if you want to learn the song.
For Readers 18 years and over only. Denny uses “maritime language” here. No kids allowed, and no Judgmental Ninnies.
Welcome. There’s nothing like having a beer and a dog … and another beer … when you watch the game, right? Tell the bartender to turn up the game, and I’ll get us another round!
Baseball season is upon us once again! Remember last fall during the MLB playoffs and World Series? Remember these ads for “Viagra” featured this sexy lady? I guess it makes sense to have the Viagra ads during televised sports. Many men — and a smaller percentage of women — are watching. If you wanted to get a message out to “the guys”, the playoffs were a good time to sow interest. A lot was said about these ads when they aired during the Division Series last fall, I won’t repeat that now, short to say that many people found the discussion of … ahem … E.D. a little too discomforting during the tension packed playoffs. More on that later …
I do think that sexuality and baseball are most definitely are causally* linked. Lemmie tell ya a story …
One day when I was in the 6th grade, the teachers took all the girls to one room, and all the boys were left in another classroom. We were to receive information on sex education you see. We were to be given an open, honest and frank conversation about sex, boys and girls bodies, and the changes some of us were going through. Ha! Of course they never did that, and they danced around the issues so much that we were all more confused than before they “educated” us.
I can remember that in 6th grade I finally noticed girls. In 5th grade I still thought liked a kid … liked toys … liked MAD magazine … girls were the ENEMY back then. By 6th grade there were girls that I liked. Oh, man but this was in the stone age with no Internet. I really wanted to see what one looked like. You know … what a girl is like DOWN THERE. I had not a clue. Some of my friends said that they had seen one. Others said that they were going to bring in a dirty magazine that shows the good stuff. I had my hopes up for a while, but they never brought in the dirty book. Dammit! I wanted to see one!!! What does a hoo hoo look like? Was I so wrong for wondering this?
Oh, yeah, the “Sex Ed” class. I was very disappointed by the filmstrip. In between the slide sequences and the beeps and the bad narration we saw some images of bees, fish, dogs, flowers, etc. Not a girl’s hoo hoo was to be seen however. Everyone knows that the special place is full of mysteries even if you have a map … and there I was with all my unanswered questions. I just had to keep guessing. Some of the 6th grade girls wore pretty tight blue jeans, and sometimes the morning sun would make an eclipse through a dress. If you have the right angle on a pair of culottes you can get close. I would have done anything to see a real one … oh, and especially … Laura’s … Oh, Laura … um … er … I digress …
At one point. one of the gym teachers drew a chalkboard diagram of a dick and balls, but you would never know if they hadn’t told us. They also told us that we may begin to experience what they called a “wet dream”. Too late, Mr. Gym teacher, I was already there. I could not stop thinking about Laura … and Linda … and oh yeah, Teri … and Patty, who was already growing big by that time … sorry … um… Baseball, right?
Anyway, during the filmstrip the narrator said that if we ever were lying in bed at night … and our thoughts turned to girls (Oh, Laura) … we should DISTRACT OURSELVES IN SOME WAY, and think about something else. The narrator said “think about the big baseball game…”. The narration echoed: “think baseball …baseball …” as if they were trying to hypnotize us into never touching … well … you know.
You see, the geniuses in Sex Ed at that time were afraid that boys going through puberty might try to masturbate, which was to be avoided at all costs, for some reason. Thus, it was drilled into me: “THINK BASEBALL, BASEBALL, BASEBALL!” Getting a boner? … THINK BASEBALL!!!
One time I was watching a stand-up comedy bit by the late Robin Williams. He was doing this manic collage of different characters and free-associating like he often did. At one point he stopped a sexual joke comment and said “Think Baseball … Baseball”. Mr. Williams MUST have seen the same filmstrip as I did. We were of the same approximate generation and are both from the same region of the country. He HAD to have seen that standard filmstrip, because he voiced it with the same bland inflection the narrator in the Sex Ed film did.
True story: Eddie Snyder (yes, his real name, but let him sue me) raised his hand and shyly asked the teacher: “How long does a wet dream last?” He asked the question as if he was afraid. Poor little guy did not want it to happen to him because he thought that it was going to HURT. Poor kid. I had to laugh to myself though. I knew all about it. In fact, I was an expert already (oh, Laura … Laura).
One time when my team was at a baseball practice, one of the other kids brought a “dirty” paperback book into the dugout. There were no pictures, other than the cover, which was risqué but had no nudity. It was all text, but my buddy had underlined a lot of the swear words and the “good parts” – if you know what I mean. Of course this book was lost on me because I still did not know exactly what the female anatomy looked like. Passages such as “He shoved his cock into her cunt” had no meaning — as “cunt” was terra incognita to me, and still only a theoretical concept.
I know what you are thinking: “Denny, is this how you became an expert on Baseball?”
Well, I will admit, baseball is a great sport, especially for those of us too small for football. I could play any position. I learned all of the fielding positions. I could even play catcher, which most of my friends could not play. “How can you catch the ball, when someone is swinging the bat in front of you”, they would ask. “Just put your glove where you expect it will go” I replied. I loved playing First Base, even though I did not have the build for it. A Firstbaseman should be a tall, lanky left-hander. I was a short, squat right-hander. First base is great because you are in on so many plays. Especially if Laura is watching …
Off topic: You know, a first basemen’s mitt does look a little bit like a wide-open vagina. I’m just glad I never made the connection back then.
I saw plenty of crusty mitts back in 6th grade.
I also learned to switch hit. I am a natural right-hander. I bat for average, line drives, rocket ground balls, etc when batting right. When I bat left, I have an upper-cut swing, hit more fly balls, hit less for average, but hit better for power.
… Maybe if I was a good baseball player, Laura would be impressed?
Oh, yeah, back to that Viagra ad …
Thing one: It is an embarrassing thing to have on TV, if there are any other humans present. I know it is an important subject … but don’t they know my wife is in the room? It was INTIMIDATING!
OK, I am at the age, I know I am the target market for the drug, which is unfortunately not covered by insurance. My body and hormones are on a roller coaster ride however.
I am not like I was when I was 19 years old and thought about pussy 99.9% of the time. At my age now, I have my “Percent-of-the-time-I-think-about-pussy-ratio”WELL UNDER 90% now, thank you. Every once in a while I am even able to think about complicated subjects for a prolonged period of time. Serious topics.
When I am at the bottom of the roller-coaster, I am in a fragile state. When I watch that intimidating ad, with the sexy but disappointed lady, I think: “Oh, can’t we just talk … can’t we just cuddle … um … don’t I show you that I care in other ways? … let’s change the subject”. Dammit, I am like a frightened little turtle.
Me: “This has never happened to be before …”/ Her: “Don’t worry about it. But thanks a lot for the finger-fuck, Superman.”
Other days, my hormones are raging, and I am a one-man diamond cutting machine. When I am at the top of the roller-coaster hill, I look at that Viagra ad, and think: “Oh, you want to see some FUCKING now do ya lady? Oh, I’ll show you some FUCKING …, I’m going to show you some FUCKING that is going to wipe that smirk off your face.” Oh, yeah … I think, I’m going to explode in her so hard, it would make those blue, wanting eyes bulge out!!! **
… what? … too much swagger?
When I am at my best, you have to visualize these sound effects: 1. The sound of a zipper being unzipped. 2. The sound of kielbasa sausage hitting the floor. That’s ME alright!
I hope all my readers will enjoy this young baseball season.
Starlight: I wonder what ever happened to Laura?***
Dear Readers: Today I am going to turn my blog over to that cantankerous NebraskanMr. Floyd R. Turbo. Please enjoy his editorial comments on (what he calls) Atsuko Maeda’s “chick flick” video. Mr. Turbo has developed into somewhat of an “AKB Historian” recently, and Acchan was his favorite. As Mr. Turbo puts it: “She has gams like a gazelle”. Old dudes like us, are always clinging to the past. The song is “You’re My” – lyrics by Yasushi Akimoto. Lyrics from Stage 48 are available here. Mr. Turbo, you are on …
My wife is always dragging me to these Romantic Comedies. I watched this Atsuko Maeda music video instead. because I was told that it compacts an entire two-hour long“chick flick” movie into a short 7-minute music video. There are no subtitles, but everything is understandable through body language and context. I had been to Japan during the war, so I can understand a little. Anyone can still follow the story.
The video begins with a happy young man (played by actor Suruga Taro) at an amusement park with his family. While his wife takes the kid for a ride, the young father sits on a bench and chain smokes. I love it when the hero smokes. He begins to reflect on his life, blows smoke-rings around airplanes, and for some reason begins reminiscing about an old girlfriend/partner he had in his younger days when he attempted to be a comedian. The story is told in a flashback.
Atsuko Maeda plays a young woman “Nabeko” that wants to be a comedic performer. She has a puppet show act. At an improv group practice, she meets, and teams up with our smoker protagonist. After getting “sh*t faced” together (he does not take advantage), the two decide to become a TEAM. Now it is very important to see the comedy duo will live together as a TEAM as they hone their act. Not as a COUPLE however. Strictly business — strictly platonic.
In fact, the Atsuko character has a slew of boyfriends that come into her life as our hero continues to work on the comedy act with Atsuko. It finally dawned on me that this montage of men shown with Atsuko were her one-after-the-other boyfriends. She changes boyfriends and changes hairstyles. It must have been tough for our tobacco-using hero to put up with this. Note: This is the type of thing you have to deal with when you are “close friends” with a woman that is not exactly a girlfriend. Some of the boyfriends are OK, some are idiots, but you can never say anything. He remains her loyal friend and partner, never taking advantage of the living situation.
One night … well … you know what happens.
The night of the big contest finally arrives! The crowd appears to like our team! Will they win the top prize and go on to successful careers?
Well, it sure is not a “Hollywood Ending” — and that is what I like about it. Is it a “happy ending”? Maybe. Maybe things have turned out for the best.
Notes: There is pretty liberal use of tobacco products in the video. No way would this ever be shown in a politically-correct American music video. This music video features a chain-smoking Asian guy … as if you would ever really see that. What is so bad about cigarettes anyway? “All cigarettes now carry the Surgeon General’s warning label. Who is this ‘surgeon general’ anyway? Did anyone ever see him? I don’t trust any ‘surgeon’ who becomes a ‘general’, he may remove my hemorrhoids with a hand grenade!”
Thank you Mr. Turbo. You may also view this video on Jpopsuki at the link here. This starlight took eighteen months to reach my world.
Likes: Pop Culture, Humor, Japanese Culture, Iwasa Misaki, Hanako Oku, AKB48 History, Kurosawa films, Kimonos, Anime, Lolita fashion, Buddhist philosophy, and finding the perfect nicknames for my Pokemon.
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Denny Sinnoh 
Written
on April 10, 2015